Looney Case





VOICE OVER


 


readers are reminded that this poem


contains cliché dialogue


a hint of cartoon violence and a plot line


of no real significance


that some readers may find mildly irritating


 


THE STORY SO FAR


 


i’m the perfect usual candidate


to be a tv police suspect


i’ve always been aware of that


i’ve that sort of face


the sort of face with one caterpillar eyebrow


a hairy creature that sits on my brow


laying in wait


 


 


THE CANYON RIDDLE


 


during a murder investigation


where a body was found in a canyon


although no one was there


to hear the scream


(except the murderer


who


according to the tv detectives


was me and only me


so help me god)


nine out of ten tv police detectives


will always point the finger at


the first person on the scene


wearing a unibrow


 


then cut to the next scene


in the pub


celebrating with a whiskey chaser


and cop drama laughter


case solved


 


SORRY OFFICERS, I’VE NOT COMMITTED A CRIME


 


not this time


they had their prime suspect


me


but they had no motive


 


bring him in let’s lean on him a bit


said the super


we’ll use some electricity


push him down a few stairs (so to speak)


strap some dynamite


between his legs


he might just want to spill the beans


full confession


tell us all


 


BREAK FOR A COMMERCIAL


 


have a smile that’s glowing and bright


brush your teeth with new radioactive white


for that beaming confidence


made from the finest


sellafield ingredients


 


PART TWO


 


the chief super’s eyes


were like tape recorder reels


his mind a mass of tangled


magnetic tape


he went into rewind and said


on the day in question


we believe


you first tried to kill


mr roadrunner esq by dropping


an anvil on his head


but missed


 


however


sly crafty wily beast that you are


you had a back-up plan


the 100 ton weight did the trick


and now mr roadrunner esq


flat lined


beep! beeps! no more


 


what the …


you think i’m a cartoon


i said


 


well you have been sketchy


about your whereabouts


 


i’ve been nowhere near the canyon


i went to a rock concert 


with my mates


barney and fred


got home late i was starving


the only thing i murdered


was a bowl of cornflakes


 


i don’t like the look of this one


said p c plod


could be we’ve got ourselves


a serial killer


 


TUNE IN NEXT WEEK


END ON A CLIFF-HANGER


CUE THEME MUSIC


ROLL CREDITS


 


staring


inspector gadget as chief super


deputy dawg as pc plod


wile e coyote as wile e coyote


 


THAT’S ALL FOLKS


‘TILL NEXT WEEK




* * * * *


Born in East London but now residing amongst the hedge mumblers of rural Suffolk, P.A.Levy has been published in many magazines, from ‘A cappella Zoo’ to ‘Zygote In My Coffee’ and stations in-between.  He is also a founding member of the Clueless Collective and can be found loitering on page corners and wearing hoodies at www.cluelesscollective.co.uk.

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